Dreamscape

I have been having a series of dreams that in some ways resemble the locations that I have dreamt before. It seems that the geography of my dreams is coalescing and taking shape. It seems to be asort of amalgam of my home town in mexico, hawaiian mointains, beaches, military instalations, my grandparent's ranch and surrounding hills. There are volitile elements such as two volcanos that are always aflame, and always spewing forth lava. The military instalation seems no more than a rowdy fraternity of people who pick on the younger and lwer ranking for fun. There is a field of lava and burning pits of sulfur that is the ruins of a part of town I do not recall. I have yet to find a coalesced significance of all the elements, except the places from my childhodd being nostalgic as well as grusome. I did have two distinct dreams I recall. One of them a man cut several deep gashes accross my face and my family did not recognize me. Another one, the volcano erupted more violently than usual and it wrecked the town.
Other seemingly unrealted dreams, or at least that the geography thereof have not taken part in the dreamsphere I have also shaken me.
I had one dream where I was back home after some time in physical therapy. I was missing both my legs and I was at a gathering. It was what seemed like a welcome home party. There was an ex-girlfriend-now-friend who was there and apparently coordinated the whole thing. It seemed to be taking place in an upstairs appartment or second floor of a house. It had elements of a thrift store but with more flair. Eventually at some people left. There were other people who were telling me how brave I was and how I was a hero. I thought about how I would not be able to do cartwheels and dance the same way again. Eventually I guess I had a flare up of pain. I asked for aspirin, or tylenol, or something. found myself standing a bit unsteadily with my forehead pressed against a wall. My eyes were clenched in pain. I opened them up took a breath and I was against the outside south wall of my best friend's house in the town where we bth spent a greater portion of our lives. It was damp out. I unsteadily walked back to my old house and awoke.
I believe this dream is pertinent to my being in Baghdad and all. I figure if something does happen, I'll get over it. Eventually

The Colour and The Feeling

Last night I had a dream about my work back civilian side. I was coming in to say farewell to my coworkers and the place was decorated with many colored plastic pieces shaped like fish in the ocean, pastel and neon colored paintings of the American flag all transitioning like a psychedelic colored exhibit in a museum. Upon seeing it, and my boss, I lost all manner of composure. There was Vicki, Angela, Kathy, Lynn, Cori, Mark, and Ditdynai, Sapan, and Irene present at a table with a dinner laid out. It seemed like a cross between a children’s exhibit and a kindergarten classroom. I felt embarrassed that I was emotional, and that I had to part ways with these wonderful people. Afterward, I found myself at a dock like region by the ocean. There seemed to be all manner of activity and I was out in the middle of the water patrolling back and forth. It was dark and I was alone for the most part.
I suppose that this dream is an indication of how lonely I think I may be. I did have a somber and depressive period a few weeks back, and there are some things that just are not helping. It does not help that I have done some studies on this very common disorder and what are some of the traits. I also know when it will be considered clinical. This is going against a very strong recommendation against self-diagnosis. There was a funny sort of incident that occurred a few days back. I am working on transferring to a section of the company that works on cultural symbols and such. The supervisor for the section thinks highly of me, at least in some aspects. I am working on my Art Education Degree and she considers me to have a broad grasp of understanding in the humanities field. She called me a “practically a humanities genius”. I declined the title, and she replied “Is it because they haven’t included your name at the sperm bank?” We all had a good laugh over that.It is flattering to hear that sort of thing every once in a while. Just knowing every so often that someone thinks of you in a positive manner feels good.

The Duality of a Would-Be Warrior

I have been concerning myself with the charities available to wounded soldiers from the GWOT. I feel that they are so much more than I am, and I admire them for their sacrifice, almost to the point of wishing for an injury myself. It is a sort of brand marking them as people who have met a challenge far above what the rest of us can even begin to fathom. I see them and admire their courage and perseverance. I admire their adaptability. I admire what they do to make so many people, who have been thrown into the metaphorical meat grinder and have survived though not unscathed, have a better existence. They are heroes on another level, and in their own minds they probably do not think they are anything special. In my mind I don’t think I am anything special. They have many people who applaud their efforts and some of the strides some of them make for their brothers in arms. Many people applaud me for just being here and having the balls to do what I do without running away from my duties. There are soldier so much more remarkable than myself. There are people so much more remarkable than myself. Why do people pay heed to me anyway?
It is a strange thing that I feel I am here and I am failing. I fully realize that it may be my own expectations, and desire for an untattainable perfection, or standard of excellence that I will never meet. I just feel I am so far behind the power curve of where I am at, and where I perceive I should be in concurrence. It is my interpretaton of a presedent set by our forebears, a standard that I feel is slacking, and I am no exception either.
At what point is my self-criticism going too far, and what point am right?

A day in the life and the beggining of a new document of my life

I am a fan of blogs based simply on the fact that I can rat on every little thing that comes accross my mind. Unfortunately right noe I cannot claim to be too pleased. I am here in Baghdad in a small little trailer in the middle of nowhere in particular, not far from where God lost his left shoe and decided to just make himself a new one. It is far from all the comforts of home and all the people that I really truly care for. Ofcourse, they are the reason I am here, indirectly so. I would rather go through this than have them suffer some of things I have suffered. While it is a great experience and defintely a new way to grow, and I think that growth and devlopment and seeing the world are important, I think there are ways more adviceable than the military, or at least as my current mood dictates, there are better ways than the military to see the world.
I am feeling a bit melancholy for the simplest reason being I miss home, probably more now than I did a month ago. I feel needed but I just don't feel I fit in well. I ponder at how long I have been here and how I still am such a humanist, and essentially, the same emotional me that I have been for the longest time, and maintained what most people would call sanity. I have maintianed a cool head, which is difficult to do in the desert and even more so in a war zone. I just do not feel like I belong here. My mentality and my beliefs are not entirely concurrent with those of my teammates, or at least not in the past few months that I have known them.
I base this mainly at the sort of language they use, and what they talk about, what they fear and what they laugh at. There are a lot of things to laugh about,but it is not so much what they laugh at but how that is most telling of this difference of beliefs, and values.
Though quite frankly I do not know what sanity is, otherwise would I be here in Baghdad? Yes by choice, I joined the military, and thus by choice put myself in the situation. However it was an order to go and my compliance with such that I am here. If I had things my way, I would be working back at my summer job, passing time with my friends, and remodeling my bedroom on the weekends. Instead I am in charge of the logistics here at my unit, and am learning to swallow an ocean one gulp at a time. Is stream of conciousness fun or what?
My access to web related parafanelia is very limited so I was pleasantly surprised to find that I could create a new blog to put down my thoughts.
There are a few thing that I have learned while being away are:
-to appreciate that no matter how far away you are from someone, you will be their shinning star, and the timing you have to brighten their day and turn a bad mood trancends continental boundaries
-your shining star will likewise know what to say to help you through the tough times, and shed new light on a problem
-never trust someone to help you relax, you better do it yourself or you will be vomitting long after you think you would have finished
-Just having the ability to keep going a bit longer than others will give them the strength to keep moving on.
Until I return....